i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
