We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
