Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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