My friends, they love my intelligence
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
