Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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