Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My feet surprised me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
