im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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