we're chasing vodka with high fives
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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