did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
