Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
