i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
