i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
