the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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