my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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