I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize