I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
