Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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