nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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