I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
