she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize