nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
