i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
