in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
