Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
