I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
