Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
