You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
