So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
