wanna go halves on a baby?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
