this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
