She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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