dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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