I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
