I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
