hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
