I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i will never coherently bang her
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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