You made me cry and you don't even care
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
