I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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