I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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