I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
