So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
