Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
