just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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