im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
