dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
