If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
