dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize