We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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