There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
