My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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