TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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