I saw his package. It spoke to me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
