I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
