I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
