my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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