so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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