Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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