i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
