The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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