it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
