Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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