in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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