I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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