I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
