It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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