we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
